its been a surprising two days.
i was hit by a mack truck emotionally — NOT by my husband
but someone who i was in a committed relationship with, a friendship.
i was told that my angry emotions were unacceptable —
whoops i’m not angry but sad, so sad…
expecting loss, and so in a fearful place about the outcome of the meeting —
and btw, not yelling or anything, but i do have a clear loud
voice — no one would ever say i was soft-spoken — i own THAT…
i was told she didn’t want to hear what i had to say so
i walked away and into my next meeting.
what do you do with that?
then a friend sent me this for no reason as i was waiting for the meeting:
i mean, wow… went through me… talk about synchronicity!
the upshot of the day today was an ending to that relationship.
it is an odd thing because i gave her responses i would have liked from her
that she didn’t like,
but at least they were an acknowledgement of her explanations…
understanding why she did what she did gave me the ability to not be mad
about THAT anymore… so that part of my annoyance was over.
i didn’t require her to be different in her emotional makeup while dealing with her discomfort.. she got loud and annoyed and all that. can’t say i liked it but i am willing to put in a few hours of discomfort for a relationship.
she was not willing to put up with a couple of hours of discomfort to get through to a different side of things, to let us both understand why we did what we did.
even when i said just that to her — what is two hours out of your life?
i heard her say why she did it and gave her that,
asking her not to do that again though… i prefer talking about things face to face.
my feelings were not alright though, not logical, inappropriate
not interested in hearing that i was hurt, scared of loss, etc.
i would allow a lot of latitude in a difficult situation for someone i cared deeply about,
and perhaps she never cared, so the friendship was not a two-way street.
as long as there was no physical abuse and no over the top screaming…
a certain sense of boundaries (like give me ten minutes to collect myself)
hurt requires some response other than logic.
people can unwind the discomfort of an uncomfortable conversation later,
but we can’t come back from, “i don’t want to know you anymore.”
i am not used to women especially not responding with some sort of
acknowledgment when someone says, “my feelings were so hurt.”
no offense to men, and my man is very willing to hear feelings.
so that’s what she did,
walked out of the conversation unwilling to say she cared about my hurt feelings,
unwilling to hear what behavior upset me…
it is MY upset and i even told her i didn’t blame her for my day yesterday…
(my mac was unresponsive in a deadline — it got cleared today).
she would not tell me what behavior she sees as anger so i can understand
how that works for her (some people are sensitive to energy in any form)
she saw anger in my initial response
it was hurt lots of hurt, and impending loss… all true.
i was very confused even after reflection,
and i am pretty good at seeing when i’ve been an ass!
lots of practice.
here we are, about to hit the Full Moon,
letting go, letting go, letting go…
why tell you all this?
because, like brene brown says, our stories have value…
btw, the new moon tonight is about letting go of the monkeymind!
©D. Katie Powell.
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