I had part of a post on shadow finished for my “S,” but it needs so much more work. However, I had a dream this morning about Guadalupe, lighting candles at Mission San Juan Capistrano, and sin. I woke up with those impressions in my head. So, stream of consciousness, edited just so you can read it:
Sin. First communion, in the confessional, I had no sins I could remember and I knew the big ones so I made them up because I guess I figured that if I went in with no sins at 5? 6? the priest wouldn’t believe me. I told him I stole an apple. Why? I had never stolen anything I don’t think but there I said that. I didn’t tell him that I hated the girl who had her crusts cut off her white bread sandwiches and was a snooty bitch, oh wait, I would never say bitch at 5. I had a clean mouth back then. I never told him I was mad at my father because he left. I never told him about the boy who wanted to “pants” me — but I did tell my mother. I heard him laughing across the screen, and apparently he told my mom later that I had said Jesus suffered under ponshuss polute (she told me when I was older.) I had to say ten Hail Mary’s. I was okay with that because I figured I probably did something — wait — I told a lie to the priest! Now I am screwed, no wait, I would not have thought the word screw either. At that time I really had not fallen in love with Our Lady of Guadalupe yet because I knew her then as Holy Mary Mother of God. Blue robed, and looking very white. But within a couple of years we had moved and then it was all about Guadalupe, with stars on her tilma and dark skin and I loved her. I never questioned the virgin but I did question so many things that the nuns got tired of answering my questions. When they answered that this was the way it was that was not acceptable for me. I was a logical kid and frankly, rarely was I told by mom or brothers that it was just the way it was. Sometimes my mom would say that I had to trust her because I was too young to understand and she would explain it to me when I was older. That was okay, a promise to understanding later. But when I was in class and they told me “BECAUSE” that was not okay. “How do you know that the world is infinite?” “How did God let his child die?” “How is Jesus God’s son and also God? Because Mary is THE mother of God, but she was Jesus’s mom!” The kicker came when I wanted to know why, if God was so all-powerful, he didn’t kick the devil’s butt, oh wait, I wouldn’t have said it like that, but you get the idea. They sent me home.
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