I is for Infidelity: A-to-Z Challenge

First, let me be very clear.  I am not writing about my husband Mitchell.
Mitchell is a dream husband in oh, so many ways.
I am writing about my former husband, now dead, Robert.
I did not kill him, I swear!  He died of natural causes.

However, had I found out about his cheating I would’ve used his ashes for kitty litter.

My former husband and I were a difficult couple.  Growing up in my family, however, I thought all relationships were difficult for many years.  I also perceived us as close, working together on a spiritual path, and committed to honesty.  I am no prude, but I was especially interested in a monogamous relationship due to sexually transmitted diseases from the get-go.  We both agreed on this, and I sat through more than a few lectures he gave his college-age kids on safe sex.  After being married, I realized I wanted a monogamous relationship because that commitment worked for me toward intimacy.

I found out after his death, while doing estate taxes.  I was instructed to call long-distance numbers which were frequently called to see who they were for business deductions.  I could not have a fight, slam a door, or break glass to relieve my anger.  I could not leave him and take his money.  I was left to work it through on my own.

I did, for the sake of the man I fell in love with, Mitchell.

Here is my takeaway, and for all you cheaters out there, THIS is why you cannot really ever work through it:

  1. WEB FAMILY PORTRAITS 10 ROBERT GROSSMANNInfidelity undermines trust completely.
  2. From the moment you find out that your partner is cheating on you, you see the person as a liar.
  3. Lying undermines intimacy, or in my case, the memory of being intimate.
  4. Trust is laughable; in therapy I had a few fictitious conversations with him, and whenever he said “trust me” I was at a loss as to why anyone would ever trust a known cheater.
  5. I found out he cheated a lot on business trips with hookers; from that moment on each time I reached for one of his sweet gifts bought to me from a trip, I realized they were guilt gifts.  Out the door they went in a heartbeat.  My friends have some nice items.
  6. Closure is important.  I had to take mine by calling a few of his girlfriends and chatting them up.  They were resistant.  I reminded them they were married too.  They talked to me.  And it DID bring some closure, as I asked them the questions I wanted to ask him.   AND AND AND . . .
  7. Not everyone is a lying sack of shit.
  8. Both men and women cheat, so no finger-pointing!
  9. Both men and women also can value monogamy, commitment, and honesty.  How do you know after living with a cheater?  You use discretion, communicate, and trust your heart.

This last was most important going forward.  I knew two people who were faithful, knew it for sure, my brother and I.  We talked at length about all of this.  I felt it was important to go forward with eyes wide open and trusting my heart.  I am so grateful I did, for I have a wonderful loyal, intimate mate.

       

I am now agreeing to the  Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial 4.0 International License, which you can learn more about by visiting the site, or, visit my web page for a more user-friendly summary on my terms.  My images/blog posts can be reposted; please link back to zenkatwrites.
Artwork courtesy of D.Katie Powell (me as a painter!)
The image (cropped) is from “My Family” series.
It now lives with his children, probably in a garage in the San Fernando Valley.

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About dkatiepowellart

hollywood baby turned beach gurl turned steel&glass city gurl turned cowgurl turned herb gurl turned green city gurl. . . artist writer photographer. . . cat lover but misses our big dogs, gone to heaven. . . buddhist and interested in the study of spiritual traditions. . . foodie, organic, lover of all things mik, partner in conservation business mpfconservation, consummate blogger, making a dream happen, insomniac who is either reading buddhist teachings or not-so-bloody mysteries or autobio journal thangs early in the morning when i can't sleep
This entry was posted in acrylic, addiction, autobiography, courage, journal, loss, portraits and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to I is for Infidelity: A-to-Z Challenge

  1. susanissima says:

    This must have been a tough one to write. I’m glad you were able to work on your feelings and find your love, Mitchell.

  2. Sammy D. says:

    Katie, l am so sorry. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, and commend you for sharing it.

Love to hear from you....

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